A Podcast for Heroes and Bravehearts


| 27. September, 2009

Please note: this story is written in the style of Internet fan fiction and should not reflect on it’s author(s) credibility, intelligence, and/or understanding of the English language, syntax, and basic tenants of human communication.

Ramjack Fanfic Presents:

Too Many Robots for Destiny

Chapter One
by Dapper Clubs

You are probably all too well aware of the many theories about parallel realities and quantum gateways. These topics are favorites of Scientists, Sci-Fi Writers, and fans of both. But, if I were to tell you the reality of such things… you would not be able to believe it. Nor would you want to.

“Can I take your order please?” said the frighteningly underage girl at the coffee shop.

Brad took a moment to think before finally settling on an elaborate coffee drink.

After responding to a dozen or so emails from fans, producers, and would be directors, he stopped to take a life affirming deep breath. It was at this moment in which he became aware of a strange buzzing noise it seemed to emanate from a door at the end of the shop… a door that he had never seen before.

“excuse me, what’s going on behind that door?”

She looked at him with a curious look as though to say “what are you talking about”

“That door… right there!” he exclaimed earnestly.

her brow remained furrowed. Clearly she was unaware of the cacophony of buzzing and possibly unaware of the door altogether.

“You must hear it, you must see it, how can you not?”He asked.

“Look I don’t know if this is some kind of joke but there is no door there. Are you crazy?” She looked genuinely fearful.

“A door I can only see? This is ridiculous, it sounds like something off of the syfy channel”

she looked confused thus forcing him to relay that the “sci-fi” channel had recently changed it’s name to syfy  in a bid to remain hip and edgy” She was unimpressed and the metaphor fell flat. This is probably due to the fact that “sci-fi” and  “syfy” are homophones and also because his metaphor was quite clearly not a metaphor at all but in fact a rather pedestrian simile.

Before he could clear away the confusion she had walked away.

He decided to explore the mystery door. He walked to it gingerly finally resting his hand on it’s knob. Suddenly there was a great rush of cool air like the feeling of standing in front of an air conditioner or other device that rushes cool air at oneself.
“What is this thing?” he asked himself.

The truth was that this place was an inter-dimensional sub wormhole, a rift in the cosmic space-time fabric of our plane of reality, a portal of sorts, that divided our own universe with another vibrating in a realm parallel to us. How bizzare that this particular portal had opened here just now for him. How peculiarly unusual such seemingly wild circumstances should line up for him and not someone else.

Suddenly he found himself somewhere different. He no longer stood in the coffee shop but was in a great open field under a dark reddish brown sky. Plumes of smoke came from the wrecked heaps of rubble that seemed to have once been great buildings. The smell of smoke and dust seemed to hang in the air like gliders wafting through the sky.

He had little time to take in the amazing vista spread before him, because as soon as he began to appraise it there was a curiously strange pop of explosions a sound that was curiously familiar but strangely new. There seemed to be a sudden stampede. He turned around to see a group of people running towards him their clothes ripped and mottled with blood, sweat, and the carnage of unyielding battle. But what was pursuing them was even more terrifying. Hundreds of small 2ft tall robots hovering off the ground. Each had a cream colored body and a translucent orange top almost like a helmet and from their mouths shot small explosives by the hundreds each shot flying in a completely unpredictable trajectory.

“Over here! I think I’ve found him!” Shouted a voice.

“Could it be? The one foretold in the Prophecy of Westbend” said one of them.

He was a strange looking creature with the a head that resembled some sort of a cross between a tiger and a panther only with vivid white fur spotted with black dots, he wore thick chainmail and carried a large laser-blaster.

“Could this be the stranger who will harness the ultimate power of the morphing crystals and finally reunite the tribes to overthrow The Great Magnate of Evil? I never thought I would live to see such an event come to be true… No, I cannot believe it. I won’t.”

“Don’t worry about K’leop’tk’w” said one of the others

“He has not been able to trust anyone since the tragic death of his brother. Many people believe this has made him a brooding cruel beast but those of us that know him well are aware that he still has a good and just heart.”

“Oh that’s fine for you to say. What do you know of tragedies? As you, Larghhj, have never had any hardship due to your wealthy family.” retorted K’leop’tk’w

“Are you forgetting the terrible angst of my secret love for Vmaelru?” answered Larghhj
K’leop’tk’w laughed, “Love… HA I don’t believe such a thing can exist.”

“Ah but deep inside I know you still do This is what gives you your intrigue and depth of character as does my interesting point of view.”said Larghhj

“I’m sorry to interrupt your expository introductions, but what is this about a prophecy and what are those things – those robots? They looked like popcorn poppers.” Brad asked

“Ha ha  — well of course they did. They were popcorn poppers are at least they were decsended of them.” Larghhj asnwered

“But how can a machine evolve without dna?” Brad questioned.

“You truly must be from another world. But this is no time for discussion we must get back to the station-base. Force-Captain Gomez is waiting“ said Larghhj

“yes we should hurry before the Poppery III attack bots catch up”said K’leop’tk’w
“Will you join us strange traveler?”

He took a moment to consider his options. All of this talk of prophecy and alternate worlds was confusing but somehow, even though he had just met  K’leop’tk’w and Larghhj he felt he trusted them. Maybe it was the open way they shared their deep character traits that made them instantly recognizable and fully relatable, understandable, and somewhat believable. In any case he clearly would prefer the safety of a “station-base” than the middle of a war zone battlefield. As shrapnel and explosions continued all around them he made his decision “let’s go” somehow he was aware these words not only extended to this current predicament but to a much greater journey that he had tacitly agreed to become a part of. But is it not true that each of us in our heart knows that we have a quest to complete in our lives, a spiritual quest to fulfill our preordained destinies that will let our spirit soar like the great eagle that it in fact is.

Chapter Three
by Dapper Clubs

Force Captain Gomez was a powerful leader women wanted to be with him and men wanted to be him. He wore his uniform sweater with an august congeniality that bellied his brilliant tactical skill and ruthless cunning. The fact that he had been kidnapped by such a cruel and vile being as The Great Magnate of Evil was a sullied stain on the sportscoat of superior righteousness. Luckily the past few months had taught Brad and the alliance members many things about circumventing The Great Magnate of Evil’s security.
“Clearly we can detect a build up of non-specified generic ‘energy’… in fact I’m reading a class five!” Larghhj noted.
“If only we could communicate with Force-Captain Gomez.” grieved Sharnu
“Alex, why don’t you use your fax machine?” Brad inquired
“I don’t know dude I’m not sure If I can get through that non-specified energy barrier with my 14k fax modem.”
It was clear to all that eventually Alex might possibly, one day become a great warrior, or at least the tall nebbish accountant to a great warrior. But for now his insecurities, awkwardness, and internalized constant fear of his surrounds often plagued his decisions like so many maggots on a rotting coyote slowly decaying in the early morning hours of a sweet summer day.
“You can try maybe we can at least get an idea of how far we are” Vmaelru suggested.
As Alex attempted use the fax machine the antiquated dialing and pinging of the modem played a generic calliope of clashing pitches. The sound was grating to those whom recognized it, but for those of this universe it was a shocking and exciting sound.
“From the signal I’m getting he can’t be too far away. Probably only 14and a half to 17 geometers away.” Larghhj noted excitedly.
“But there’s no way to get through all of that non-specified energy, it would take us weeks if we still had the help of those vegogoblins to tunnel” Alex lamented.
“There is still one way.” Brad said pulling the morphing crystals from his bag.
“You are so incredibly wise and brave, I don’t know how I… how we would get by without you” said Sharnu. Though she clearly had sinful passions in mind he restrained himself displaying his strong sense of morality and humility like a peacock. This only further fed the inextinguishable fire in her loins. Beyond being a critically acclaimed internationally award winning playwright Brad was also surprisingly humble. This is a feature that would serve him well as the morphing crystals would not work unless it’s bearer was pure of heart.
“Are you sure, don’t forget what Elyjouw the Seer told you.” Alex warned.
“I don’t have time for fear. The Great Magnate of Evil has Force-Captain Gomez and I am the only one capable of harnessing the lobster morphing crystal.” Brad said.
“I’m sure you can do it.” Said Sharnu.
“But there must be another way!” Larghhj begged
“Isn’t that what Olcrobrugx wanted? Isn’t that how half his face was blown off?“ Brad coldly intoned.
“That isn’t fair.”K’leop’tk’w growled
“No, it’s not… he was like a father to me.” Brad conceded
“To all of us.” said Vmaelru
“He was one of the first people I trusted here. He rebuilt my shin after the fire-kernal blast.” Alex meekly stammered.
“I can’t believe he was partially to blame for all this.” Larghhj sighed
“I’m not sure what happened in fact the only person that does is Force-Captain Gomez and he his the one being held in Jaws of The Great Magnate of Evil… this truly is his most vile Opus of Cruelty.”Brad confidently intoned.
“Fine you want to stick your neck out for Gomez go ahead, none of us has the strength, willpower, or cunning to stop you so just go ahead and get it over with.”barked K’leop’tk’w
“Remember, If anything goes wrong get Dimitri and Dr. Bartokomous. I don’t want to experience those Meposian nanobots again unless I have to. But If he must use them to save my life I will give my permission.” Brad said.
And with that he clasped the morphing crystal and activated it. Lightning flashed and their was a great whirring of unearthly sounds. Alex and the rest of the alliance members shielded their eyes to prevent the burning of their corneas. They all felt an immense sense of excitement and fear as no one was completely sure how and if the ancient morphing crystals would work. As their vision cleared they saw their answer to all the questions and worries that roamed their thoughts, clearly visible within mist and blue smoke stood a 20ft tall robotic lobster.
“wow, this not unlike something from the power rangers! Clearly no one back home would believe this” Alex stated in an excited but still frightful voice.
Little did he know at that very moment a portal was opening in the small town of Jackson TN and through it in a cloud of tornado technology came the first wave of Poppery III attack bots!

To be Continued…


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